Day 2

Yesterday was full of emotional ups and downs.  I hate days like that.  I felt good about getting this blog started and getting back to writing.  I didn't feel so hot, physically, yesterday and that did not help.  Also, I have this kid who is just gonna walk away from me and from her future to go live with her boyfriend in another state.  There is nothing I can do about it... Another thing I cannot change.

I feel so completely alone in this world.  I know that some of that is me and the way I refuse to depend on anyone else.  I admit that I have major issues in this area, but at the same time I learn time and time again that no one is ever truly there for me.  In the end, I am always on my own.  The minute I am hopeful that there is someone I can trust out there, I am let down.  I am sure that I have let other people down as well.  It's the nature of the beast.  It is life with other imperfect human beings.  I just wish that every time someone does not come through for me, it didn't make me feel as though what I want or need is too much, that I am too needy, too vulnerable, too reliant on others to make me feel okay,

I send my mom an email letting her know what's going on with my kid and she reacts like she knows what it feels like.  That made me so angry.  She does not know wthat it feels like cause she never loved me or took care of me.  She was never a mother.  She doesn't get to weigh in like that.  I am angry about that.

So what is the fine line? Where and how do you learn to rely on others, but not completely?  I don't get it.  I am supposed to let people in so they can let me down? Is it that I am to have no expectations? I am not sure I can do that.  I can try and I can choose not to get hurt by the choices that others make.  When and where is it that you stand up for what you really do need?  What is too much to ask or expect? I feel so defective in this area.  I also feel like a bottomless pit of need.  It's not fair to expect anyone to fill those needs, needs that date back probably to birth. All this need is something I despise.  Maybe the first step is to learn to stop despising this part of myself.