How is it that there are so many who have survived the same kind of abuse and neglect that I did and yet I feel so alone every single day of my life? I know that there are people out there who "get it", but why can't I find them? Why can't I connect? As I sat here here and cried and cried today about being alone I just kept going back to my memories of my mother and my desperate need for her as a kid and even on into young adulthood. I kept remembering her total and complete rejection of me and the one question that has plagued me my whole life long... " What is so goddamned fucking wrong with me that even my own mother could not love me?" It's like it all goes back to this one basic fundamental question and then that is the jumping off point for all the rest of the questions about why I was sexually abused by three different men, why no one in my family thought I was important enough to get to know or truly love, why, why, why...
I feel so damaged and broken... I've said it a thousand a times. I am in pieces... sometimes I am able to make the pieces stick together in some semblance of a person, but sometimes I am a thousand splintered pieces on the ground. That is where I am now. Lonely and alone and trampled on.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Day 2
Yesterday was full of emotional ups and downs. I hate days like that. I felt good about getting this blog started and getting back to writing. I didn't feel so hot, physically, yesterday and that did not help. Also, I have this kid who is just gonna walk away from me and from her future to go live with her boyfriend in another state. There is nothing I can do about it... Another thing I cannot change.
I feel so completely alone in this world. I know that some of that is me and the way I refuse to depend on anyone else. I admit that I have major issues in this area, but at the same time I learn time and time again that no one is ever truly there for me. In the end, I am always on my own. The minute I am hopeful that there is someone I can trust out there, I am let down. I am sure that I have let other people down as well. It's the nature of the beast. It is life with other imperfect human beings. I just wish that every time someone does not come through for me, it didn't make me feel as though what I want or need is too much, that I am too needy, too vulnerable, too reliant on others to make me feel okay,
I send my mom an email letting her know what's going on with my kid and she reacts like she knows what it feels like. That made me so angry. She does not know wthat it feels like cause she never loved me or took care of me. She was never a mother. She doesn't get to weigh in like that. I am angry about that.
So what is the fine line? Where and how do you learn to rely on others, but not completely? I don't get it. I am supposed to let people in so they can let me down? Is it that I am to have no expectations? I am not sure I can do that. I can try and I can choose not to get hurt by the choices that others make. When and where is it that you stand up for what you really do need? What is too much to ask or expect? I feel so defective in this area. I also feel like a bottomless pit of need. It's not fair to expect anyone to fill those needs, needs that date back probably to birth. All this need is something I despise. Maybe the first step is to learn to stop despising this part of myself.
I feel so completely alone in this world. I know that some of that is me and the way I refuse to depend on anyone else. I admit that I have major issues in this area, but at the same time I learn time and time again that no one is ever truly there for me. In the end, I am always on my own. The minute I am hopeful that there is someone I can trust out there, I am let down. I am sure that I have let other people down as well. It's the nature of the beast. It is life with other imperfect human beings. I just wish that every time someone does not come through for me, it didn't make me feel as though what I want or need is too much, that I am too needy, too vulnerable, too reliant on others to make me feel okay,
I send my mom an email letting her know what's going on with my kid and she reacts like she knows what it feels like. That made me so angry. She does not know wthat it feels like cause she never loved me or took care of me. She was never a mother. She doesn't get to weigh in like that. I am angry about that.
So what is the fine line? Where and how do you learn to rely on others, but not completely? I don't get it. I am supposed to let people in so they can let me down? Is it that I am to have no expectations? I am not sure I can do that. I can try and I can choose not to get hurt by the choices that others make. When and where is it that you stand up for what you really do need? What is too much to ask or expect? I feel so defective in this area. I also feel like a bottomless pit of need. It's not fair to expect anyone to fill those needs, needs that date back probably to birth. All this need is something I despise. Maybe the first step is to learn to stop despising this part of myself.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Day 1
This blog is my attempt to get back to myself. Somewhere along the way I got lost. There is too much crazy busy chaos in my life and I somehow lost me. Not sure I'd recognize myself at this point even if I did show up. Let's see, it's been three years in the desert so far. What have I gained and lost these 3 years? Maybe it's time for an inventory... maybe it's time to stop blindly moving through life pretending that nothing matters, that I am tough and can handle anything and that nothing hurts. That is obviously not working. I am so wounded right now, I am gushing blood. So now for that inventory, a place to start:
Gains:
1. Friends
2. Perspective
3. Diversity
4. Foster children
5. An even more negative view of the world
Losses:
1. Foster children
2. Friends from AL
3. Any connection to myself and my own growth
4. Spirituality
5.
I will add to these lists as things come to me. They aren't flowing right now. My goals in taking this journey are as follows:
1. to reconnect with myself and move further along with my healing
2. to try to find ways to be more positive and stop dwelling on the negative
3. to find ways to manage my extreme loneliness and tendency towards despair
4. to then be able to move forward with my life and meet career and relationship goals
5. to stop sabatoging myself
I'll probably add to this list along the way as well as I begin to figure out what it is that I do want. It's all gotten shuffled around and misplaced, but I know it is still here somewhere... I need to make time to search, to meditate and think on what it is I really want from life. It may be late, and there's nothing I can do about that, but all is not lost... The only thing that is holding me back is me and my very limited view of the world, of myself and of life. There are things I can't control here and those things need to be acknowledged with all the kicking and screaming I want to give them, but the ultimate answer is that I can't control them. It is a waste of my time and energy to try or to lament the fact that I can't control them.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...I cannot change the past, I cannot change other people, I cannot change the course of the wind, I cannot change the rules...
The courage to change the things I can.... I can change me: my attitudes, thoughts, actions and beliefs.
And the wisdom to know the difference... Whoa, this is the kicker!
I think the way to begin this process is to take a long hard look at my thoughts and my thought processes. To call out my negative thinking and question it. To figure out what attitudes are holding me back and call attention to them, examine them and find the truth, if any, in them. This may be a painful thing, but it must be done, for I am miserable the way I am now.
Gains:
1. Friends
2. Perspective
3. Diversity
4. Foster children
5. An even more negative view of the world
Losses:
1. Foster children
2. Friends from AL
3. Any connection to myself and my own growth
4. Spirituality
5.
I will add to these lists as things come to me. They aren't flowing right now. My goals in taking this journey are as follows:
1. to reconnect with myself and move further along with my healing
2. to try to find ways to be more positive and stop dwelling on the negative
3. to find ways to manage my extreme loneliness and tendency towards despair
4. to then be able to move forward with my life and meet career and relationship goals
5. to stop sabatoging myself
I'll probably add to this list along the way as well as I begin to figure out what it is that I do want. It's all gotten shuffled around and misplaced, but I know it is still here somewhere... I need to make time to search, to meditate and think on what it is I really want from life. It may be late, and there's nothing I can do about that, but all is not lost... The only thing that is holding me back is me and my very limited view of the world, of myself and of life. There are things I can't control here and those things need to be acknowledged with all the kicking and screaming I want to give them, but the ultimate answer is that I can't control them. It is a waste of my time and energy to try or to lament the fact that I can't control them.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...I cannot change the past, I cannot change other people, I cannot change the course of the wind, I cannot change the rules...
The courage to change the things I can.... I can change me: my attitudes, thoughts, actions and beliefs.
And the wisdom to know the difference... Whoa, this is the kicker!
I think the way to begin this process is to take a long hard look at my thoughts and my thought processes. To call out my negative thinking and question it. To figure out what attitudes are holding me back and call attention to them, examine them and find the truth, if any, in them. This may be a painful thing, but it must be done, for I am miserable the way I am now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)